Finding Alana Read online

  “Oh, honey, don’t you worry. My wife will understand. Whatever we don’t eat here, we take to our kids or to the homeless shelter.”

  “I didn’t realize that was Mrs. Rosa.”

  “Yes. She’s been helping me in the office until I can find an admin. It’s been pretty tough to find someone reliable with experience in a legal office.”

  “I know someone who is a great admin, completely reliable, and has experience in a legal office. She’s new to the job search. Although, I don’t want it to be considered a conflict of interest.”

  His face is serious when he says, “Please give me her name and contact information. I’ll work out conflict of interest nonsense.”

  When we leave Mr. Rosa’s office, Justin takes me to an amazing lunch spot. It’s a hole in the wall Mexican place. He’s greeted by the host, and they talk for a while in Spanish.

  I’m floored because I had no idea Justin spoke another language. Shows we still have a ton to learn about each other. He introduces me, and we are seated in a secluded booth at the back of the restaurant.

  “Woah, Mr. World here. Do you know someone everywhere we go?”

  He laughs. “Not everywhere, I make friends fast.”

  I give him a look of disbelief. “And where did you learn Spanish?”

  His look is dubious. “I pick up a little here and a little there.”

  “Are you seriously holding out on me?”

  “Nah. I don’t have a straight answer for how I know stuff like that.”

  I decide to let it go; it’s not important right now. I change the subject, “Do you have plans for the rest of the day?”

  Justin thinks for a moment, then shakes his head. “Nope. Just me and you today.”

  His devilish smile is enchanting. I consider our options, then remember Kate and Cameron are at the house. I mentally groan.

  He interrupts my thoughts, “What’d you have in mind?’

  “Oh, I was thinking I would like to take you to meet someone. Someone who’s important to me.”

  “I would love to meet anyone you think is important. Who is it?’

  “Let’s finish eating, and I’ll drive.”

  “This is very mysterious. I like it!”

  When we pull up to Irma’s house, I see a familiar truck parked in the driveway. I’m almost bouncing in my seat. Justin notices.

  “Getting more than you bargained for here? Is it a good thing?” he asks.

  “Oh. My. God. It is such a good thing. It’s Rhae and Cade! God, I hope it’s both of them anyway.” I slam the car in park and jump out, running for the porch. By the time I’m on the first step, Rhae is running down them toward me. We collide in a tackle-hug and fall backward onto the yard.

  “Oh, my God! Could you have called to tell me you were coming up?” I yell through tears into her hair as I’m squeezing her for dear life.

  She’s just as breathless as she tries to answer me, “Where’s the fun in calling ahead? We decided last night to make the drive. We arrived early this morning! So are you going to introduce me to the hottie?”

  “Shit! Yes. Of course. How silly of me! I just got so excited to see you. And Cade is here, too?”

  “Cade’s here. He’s inside with Irma. She’s…well, she’s not doing so good.”

  In all the hell I’ve been dealing with, I let Irma slip my focus. “God, Rhae, I’m so sorry. When did you find out?”

  “She finally told Cade last week.”

  “Okay, we’ll get inside with her in a minute let me introduce you to Justin. Do not call him a hottie. Please?”

  “Whatever.”

  We climb the porch steps where Justin and Cade have taken up residence on the porch swing. They are chatting about guy things. I have no idea what. Mentally, I imagine it’s something like guns, trucks, huntin’ and whatnot. It’s a stereotypical way to think of them, and I try to stop. Nope, can’t.

  “Rhae.” I gesture to her. “This is Justin.” I finish with a gesture to Justin.

  Rhae extends her hand, all business. “Nice to meet you, Justin.”

  “I assume you boys have met?” I say, continuing with introductions.

  Cade speaks up, “Yep. We’re good. Let’s go inside.”

  Irma isn’t stirring around her kitchen. It’s odd and a little unsettling. I turn to Cade. “Where is she?”

  Cade stares at his shoes, uncomfortable. “She’s in her room. Likely lying down.”

  “What’s going on?” I ask, upset now.

  Rhae wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Let’s go sit down and talk.”

  Cade and Rhae proceed to tell me Irma has cancer. It’s an inoperable brain tumor. She’s been feeling bad for a while but didn’t want to say anything to anyone. She didn’t want us all upset or rushing to her side instead of living our lives. She’s on medication that should keep her comfortable until the end. Which, the doctors say, will be soon.

  My heart cracks wide open. Numbness floods through my limbs as I sit dazed, listening to all the information they lay out for me. My gut-instinct is action. “So that’s it? We just take their word for it? There’s nothing that we can do?”

  Justin reaches out to comfort me, and I pull away. I stand, staring at all of them. “How can you be okay with this? This isn’t acceptable. We have to find some research study. We have to look into holistic care. Something out there will help her.”

  Rhae stands and meets me toe-to-toe. “What kind of life would it be for her? You know her. She wants a quality of life. She doesn’t want to run back and forth to Memphis for treatments that will make her sicker than they will help to cure the cancer. Anything we try will go against her wishes.”

  Defeated, knowing Rhae is right, I flop down into a chair. I sit and process everything they’ve said. I know there’s nothing to be done. Irma has always been a force to be reckoned with, at least during the time I’ve known her. After several minutes, I stand. “Okay well, I came here to introduce her to Justin. Let’s go.”

  We walk quietly down the hall, not knowing if she’s asleep or not. When I crack the door open, she looks like she could be asleep, but then she turns her head and sees me.

  “Oh baby! Get in here. Bring that boy a yers in here too.”

  I can’t help the beaming smile I give her as we step into the room. “Hello, my love,” I whisper as I bend down to hug her neck.

  She whispers back, so that only I can hear her, “I see you found him.”

  I pull back, surprised. “It’s him? The one you knew I would find.”

  Her sweet face is bright with life and light when she says. “It is.”

  I stand up fully and tug Justin toward her bed. “Justin, this is the incomparable Mrs. Irma.”

  14 - Beginnings

  I’ve had several meetings with DHS regarding Ethan. The lady assigned to work with me, Dinah, is very kind. She seems to be sympathetic to my situation. Although, she never gives anything away about what her decision will be. She’s very clear that until I can resolve the case that’s pending, there will be no decision about what can happen about Ethan. It’s been very painful for me, but she’s made me identify some family members who can either vouch for my character or would be willing to take Ethan.

  I named my mother and my aunt Sissy. Sissy used to spend a ton of time with me because she thought my mother was insane. In some ways, I think my mother always blamed Sissy for my wild streak. Sissy is a buxom red-haired, six-foot-tall ball of fire. She disagreed with the strict upbringing my parents gave me. She thought they should have allowed me to explore and experiment. In my own parenting, I think I used a happy mix of both styles. Ethan was only three the last time I saw him. Not much exploring and experimenting a child that age can do.

  Depending on what Dinah wants to know about me, she’ll get what she wants from one or the other. Although, their representations of my character could conflict. I pray not.

  Dinah has agreed to let me see Ethan under supervision. Today is the day! I’m
up and dressed much earlier than I need to be. My legs won’t stop bouncing as I sit on the edge of the couch and watch the clock.

  Justin staggers into the living room, hungover from sleep. “Anxious?”

  “I’m so much more than anxious. Seeing him is everything. I don’t know if he’ll remember me. If he does remember me, does he still want me to be his mother? Has he given up on me? What do I do if he doesn’t want me anymore?”

  He takes a seat beside me and places his hand on my bouncing leg. “Stop. You’re making yourself crazy for nothing. He’s going to love you. You’re his mother. That’s a bond no one can break. No matter what. Hang on to that.”

  “What if he thinks I’m stupid or lame or whatever?”

  “Just be you. He’ll love you for who you are. Plus, aren’t all parents supposed to be lame and stupid?”

  I laugh. “I know. I’m so nervous.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  I shake my head. “No. Thanks, though. I have to do this on my own. I have to reconnect with him on my own first. I just wish I knew how this will work out. I need Kent convicted and sentenced. I need my case resolved. I need to know Ethan wants me. All the stars have to align for me to have him back.”

  “The stars are aligning. All of this will be fine.”

  I grab his hand and squeeze. “I know. Are you sure you’re okay that I have a son? That our lives are going to change if I get him?”

  His smile is proud. “Not if. When. He’ll be yours again, and I’m totally okay with it. I’ll admit it kind of freaks me out, but in a good way.

  “I’m not even sure how you can be freaked out in a good way.”

  “I mean that this is a little person I can spend guy time with him. You know teaching him baseball and all that manly stuff. I mean, when you look at it the right way, it’s awesome. Are you sure you’re okay with me filling that kind of role for him?”

  I’m surprised by this question because it’s not something I’ve considered. I think for a moment. “Yeah. I’m good with it.” We sit in silence a little longer. “I’m really good with it,” I stare into Justin’s eyes when I say it. “One more thing. I wanted to say this when the stress was off so you would know how much I really mean it.”

  “What is it,” he asks.

  “I love you.”

  His face fills with light right before he leans down and kisses me. He wraps me up in his warm, strong arms, and it feels like he’s trying to infuse me with his strength and confidence. “I sincerely wish you would let me go with you. I don’t like you being out in the world alone,” he whispers against the top of my head as he kisses me there tenderly.

  I sigh. “I know. But you can’t be with me at all times. I can do this. I’ll stay out of trouble. Promise.”

  

  I arrive fifteen minutes early for my time with Ethan. Dinah meets me at the entrance, and takes me into her office.

  “There have been some developments in the unresolved business,” Dinah starts.

  “Okay.”

  She smiles. “I’ll give you the good news first. There was enough evidence against Kent from your statement and Kate’s account of her attack that he’s been, basically, forced into a guilty plea. The judge is sentencing him tomorrow. I spoke with your attorney, he said you were welcome to attend, but you don’t have to if you think it would be too much.”

  The air is forced out of my lungs. It’s everything I’ve been praying would happen in Kent’s case. “How many years is he looking at?” I ask timidly.

  “I don’t know, but it seems like it’s going to be a lot. Now, for the bad news.”

  I brace myself. “Give it to me.”

  She takes a deep breath. “Ethan’s foster parents have been concerned. He’s been somewhat violent with other children in the home. They asked that we have him evaluated by a psychologist. What we found out from of these sessions is disturbing. Are you ready for this?”

  I nod hesitantly as I knot my hands in my lap.

  “Kent was emotionally abusive to him. He threatened him with disownment or that he would give him away. Ethan has been effectively non-verbal except in session with the doctor. The only thing he’s told the doctor is you were dead. His dad told him that. When he meets you, it’s going to be a shock for him. The doctor has been laying the ground work for us to re-introduce you to him, but, I warn you, it may be rough.”

  Processing what she’s telling me is shattering. Kent didn’t lay a hand on him, but emotionally abused him. He berated him. A small, eight-year-old little boy. Of course he did. My emotions range from rage to guilt.

  “I did this,” I mutter as I wipe away tears.

  Dinah looks puzzled. “Ma’am?”

  I shake my head. “I’m to blame. I left him there. I knew what a monster Kent was, and I left him there to save my own ass.”

  She walks around her desk to take the seat next to me. “Alana, if you are going to fix any of this, you’re going to need to talk to someone. A psychologist. You’re just as damaged as Ethan, if not more so. You can’t expect this to be a quick reunion and that everything Kent did to both of you will magically disappear.”

  I swallow as guilt floods through me. “I know. I’ll do whatever it takes to get him back.”

  She smiles. “I knew that would be your answer. Your Aunt Sissy, knew it too. She told me no one deserved to have Ethan back more than you.”

  “I have to ask, did you call my mother?”

  She nods. “It didn’t go well. She said her daughter died five years ago and hung up on me.”

  I’m not surprised at all. “Can we see Ethan now?”

  

  Dinah leads me to a large room furnished like a comfortable living room, only there’s no TV. She explains that TV detracts from the necessary parental interactions. She leaves me alone while she goes to get Ethan. I walk over by the window and try to put my strong mask in place. The last thing he needs is to see his mother for the first time and she’s a mess.

  I hear the door behind me open and close. When I turn around, I see him. He’s taller, and his baby face is turning into a more firm, masculine version of my face. He stops barely inside the doorway, and turns to look at Dinah. He seems to be confused. Then after a few looks between Dinah and I he says, “That’s my mom!”

  My heart melts, and I can’t help crying all over again. I want him to take this at his own pace and not rush him. So I stand by the windows and study his bronzed brown hair and those green eyes. They are piercing. He’s slightly skinnier than I thought he’d be, but there’s absolutely no doubt he’s mine. The craving in my chest to hug him becomes too much, and I take a step toward him.

  “Hello, Ethan. Can I hug you?” I ask.

  He nods and runs toward me.

  I drop to my knees and absorb the impact of him hitting me full-force. All I can do is hold him and breathe in his scent. He has always had this slight Play-Doh smell about him, and he still has it. As I’m absorbing every possible detail of him, I feel him start to shudder. Then he takes in a breath, and I know he’s crying.

  I pull back to look at him, and he says, “You were dead. Daddy said you died. How are you here?”

  “Oh, baby, we have many things to talk about. All you need to know is I’m real, and I love you. We’ll be together all the time soon.”

  He turns to look at Dinah. “Do I have to go back to foster care? Can’t I go home with my mom now?”

  Dinah and I sit him down to explain that there a few things we have to take care of, but he can see me as often as he would like until that’s all take care of. He’s not happy, and when our visitation time is up, he cries. He doesn’t want me to leave him. His heartbreak echoes my own. I ask him to be patient and be nice to the other kids at foster care. He promises me and reluctantly leaves with Dinah.

  When he’s out of sight, I leave. The first thing I do in the car is call Mr. Rosa to ask about my ca
se.

  “Alana, my darling,” he says. “We have a meeting with the district attorney tomorrow. I was about to call you.”

  I sigh, relieved. “Thank you. Have you hired an admin yet? You know, we can’t have a high-powered attorney like yourself making phone calls on your own.”

  He chuckles. “You are behind. Lots of news happening today. I met Kate, and she’s going to start for me next week!”

  “Fantastic! Give me all the details on this meeting.”

  He tells me where to be, reminds me he’ll do all the talking, and then we hang up.

  

  I pull up to Justin’s place as Kate and Cameron are loading Kate’s car with her suitcases.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I ask, getting out of the car.

  Kate hugs me. “The contractor called. We can move back in the house. Come on, I’ll help you pack up.”

  I hesitate as I feel like a weight has been dropped in my stomach. “Kate,” I start. “I can’t leave here. Not yet.”

  “What’s wrong? Of course you can, you need to come home with me.”

  I shake my head. “I think, for now, I want to stay right here with Justin. And then…” I swallow. I hadn’t thought about this until this moment.

  When Ethan comes home, we’ll need our own place. I have to provide a life for him. Not that living with Kate would be a bad thing. We need a place that’s ours. This is a fresh start, a new beginning, for both of us. We need a life untouched by pain, hurt, death, and Kent. “Kate, I’m getting my son back. We’re going to have to find a place that’s just for us.”

  Kate nods. She doesn’t make me explain. She knows why I need to do this. I help her finish load the car, and she squeezes me extra hard right before she leaves. My heart swells because she will always be a sister to me.

  15 - Happy

  “Watch out!” I shout as I hear a box thud against the floor. I stick my head around the corner to see Cameron, red-faced, leaning against the wall, huffing. He’s just lugged a box of my books up the stairs and dropped them in front of the apartment door. “Oh, sorry, Cam. Don’t bust my books up dropping the boxes like that.”